House vs.
the Lightbulb
[House walks into a room at
dusk. He flips the light switch, and
nothing happens. He calls in his
team. While they whine about being there
so late, House writes on the whiteboard:]
GETTING DARK OUT
SWITCH -
NO ARTIFICIAL LIGHT
House: Go.
Cameron: Maybe it's the lightbulb.
Foreman: No way, it's got to be the circuit breaker.
Chase: Could be Lupus.
House: Cameron, get a ladder and a magnifying glass
so we can see if the filament in the bulb is broken. Chase, you go down to maintenance and get a
flashlight and some extra batteries, there's no telling how long this thing
could last. Foreman, get your brain
surgery drill. I think we're going to
need it.
Foreman: Brain Surgery?
House: Something like that. [walks
over to the light switch and stares at it contemplatively] I think we're
going to have to operate.
[Foreman leaves the room, shaking his head.]
House: [calling after Foreman] And
be sure to knock when you come back, you blend in with the dark so well, I want
to make sure I know where you are!
[Next scene. Cameron is on the ladder examining the bulb
with Chase standing at the base of the ladder holding it for her, but also
looking up at her. She's got the
flashlight in one hand, a magnifying glass in the other, and trying to peer
into the bulb.]
[House and Foreman are across the room by the switch, in full surgery
dress with clear plastic facemasks on.
They are using the drill to remove the screws that hold the switch to
the wall.]
Cameron: [calling across the room to House] The white lining inside the glass is making it almost
impossible to see the filament. I think
it's broken, but I can't say for sure.
House: Look again!
You've got to be sure.
Chase: We could just start treating - change the
light bulb now and see if that works?
House: [stands up from what he's doing and looks at
Chase] And if we change the bulb now and
we're wrong, we've just cut short a perfectly good--
Foreman: We really should be switching out to the
compact fluorescent anyway, it's not going to--
Cameron: [excitedly] I
see it, I see it! I am pretty sure it's
broken.
House: How sure?
Cameron: Enough to say that we should change the light
bulb.
House: Chase, what do you think?
Chase: Changing the light bulb would be easy. But if it's the switch or the circuit
breaker, we could just be risking damaging a brand new compact fluorescent
light bulb.
House: So agreeable most of the time, and yet-- [the
music starts playing, and House's brow starts to wrinkle, and his eyes shift
back toward the switch, then down to the floor below it, where they stay fixed]
What’s smaller than a breadbox,
shinier than a tin star, and curlier than a pubic hair?
Cameron: What?
Chase: Obviously, he has an idea.
House: Cameron, get down. Chase, put away that flashlight. Foreman, close up that
switch.
Foreman: If we close up now, it'll just--
House: Haven't got time to argue, just DO IT! [He throws down his cane and hobbles quickly
to the wall, then kneels down beneath the switch.]
Cameron: [Unscrews the light bulb, and lays it gently
on the table, between two books so that it won’t roll.] OK, the bulb is prepped. [Nervously]
Maybe we should check with Cuddy before we do this?
House: [gets
up from his knees, holding something with a pair of forceps] Are
you suggesting that Cuddy has a lot of experience with scr—
Cameron: [Irritated] I mean that this could be a
risky operation, and that the hospital administrator—
House: You want to go get Cuddy, go get Cuddy. But I’m not waiting. [Cameron
glares at him painfully for a second as she makes the decision, then rushes
from the room.]
Chase: You’ll need light for the
operation. Here. [Shines the
light on the bulb.]
House: Thanks.
Foreman get over here, you’re assisting.
Foreman: But I’ve been working with power
equipment. My hands will be shaky.
House: And if we wait for your hands to
stop shaking, the sun will be up, and we won’t NEED this bulb. Now get over here!
[Foreman rolls his eyes and grudgingly, then comes over to the table to
assist.]
[Foreman and Chase watch as House sets down on the table a metal filing
that fell from the light switch as Foreman drilled the screw out. He then removes the metal base from the
bulb. Using the forceps, he removes the
old filament, then puts the metal filing in its
place. When he’s finished with that, he
reattaches the metal base, and holds up the “new” bulb to view it in the light
of the flashlight that Chase is holding.]
[Just then, Cuddy reaches the room, with Cameron standing behind her.]
Cuddy: What have you done?
House: Don’t worry, good as
new!
Cuddy: Did the Hospital electrician approve
this procedure?
House: No. [pause]
But he will, just as soon as I show
him the pictures I took of how he’s illegally tapping into his neighbor’s power
grid. [pulls out a bottle
of vicodin and pops a couple]
Cuddy: You’re incorrigible.
House: But I get the job done. [Behind
him, Chase is climbing the ladder and finishes screwing in the new light bulb.]
See, all finished. Care to do the honors? [nodding to Cuddy, points to the light switch]
Cuddy: Yeah, you think I’m going to touch
that thing after you—
House: [rolls his eyes with exasperation]
All right, fine. Give me my
cane. [The cane has been lying on the floor.
Cuddy stoops to pick it up and hands it to him.]
House: [Stands where he was, but reaches with the
cane to the light switch and knocks it upward with the cane.] Let there be light!!! [Light floods the room.]
Cuddy: See, even you were afraid to touch it.
House: [turns his cane over and points to the end] You never can be too safe you
know. See, the rubber tip makes a great
insulator. You’d like it, it’s even
ribbed. [winks
at her]
[Cuddy rolls her eyes and smiles.
Chase, Cameron, and Foreman all stand in the background with a look on
their faces like, “He’s done it again.”]