Clinic Case: Adult Education

[This scene takes place in Exam Room 1. House enters the room, and finds a mother with a boy about 10 years old. The boy is sitting on the exam table, playing a video game. He’s also wearing an MP3 player with the headphones in his ears.]

House: Tommy Jenkins!? Please stand up.

[The kid doesn’t even look up, just keeps on playing. The mom stands up and approaches House, stepping in very closely toward him, so that her face is within inches of his. She wears thick glasses, has a beakish nose, and wears plain simple clothing that ignores any rules of fashion.]

Mom: Oh, this is Tommy, Doctor. [She motions to the boy.]

House: Yeah, I kind of figured that. He has a sprained ankle?

Mom: Yes, he sprained last week in his dance class. The instructor said to ice it and stay off it, which he’s done, but the swelling just isn’t going down. Doctor ---?? [trails off, expecting him to fill in his last name] You aren’t wearing a lab coat or a name tag?

House: Doctor Greg House. You can call me Doctor.

Mom: [smiles] Doctor House.

House: [Turns to the kid, and waves his hand in front of the kid’s eyes to get his attention. The kid continues to concentrate on his game, but swerves a little bit to avoid letting House’s hand block his video game for too long. House yells into the kid’s face.] Can you talk?!

Mom: Sometimes he just gets so wrapped up in those silly games of his, you’d think he’s deaf, dumb and blind.

House: I take it he’s playing a mean game of pinball?

Mom: What?

[Tommy sneezes. He doesn’t bother to cover his mouth, but does turn his head just enough that he doesn’t sneeze on the game. He never looks up to the adults during the sneeze.]

House: [Turns to the kid and pulls the headphones out of his ears. The kid looks up at him defiantly, and House yells at him in the same loudness he did before.] Can you talk?!?

Mom: Hey, that was very rude of you. You should apologize to my son right now!

House: [turns to Tommy] Tommy, I’m sorry. [pause] That your mother has no sense of personal space, and apparently has no desire to teach you common social skills that most kids learn by the time they are half your age.

Mom: [seething with anger] Well, I never—

House: That’s right, you never taught this kid to at least say hello or acknowledge an adult when he comes into the room, especially when it’s the adult you’ve come out of your way to see. [Tommy is putting the ear buds back in. House turns to his direction and yells even louder.] Or to cover his mouth when he sneezes.

Mom: I don’t know who you think you are, but I refuse to subject my son to this kind of abuse.

House: Abuse? Abuse is right. You’re letting that kid grow up thinking it’s OK to be an introverted, solitary, social outcast. [House actually stops for just a second with a glimmer of recognition on his face about the irony of what he just said.] Listen, if you want me to look at his ankle, I need to be able to talk to him, which means he needs to put down the game and put away the music, and talk to me.

Mom: Well, to be honest, we didn’t really come here about the ankle.

House: [Gets that “oh no” look on his face, trying to imagine what this could possibly be.] I’m just shocked with surprise.

Mom: See-- [she pauses, trying to weigh whether putting up with House will be worth it] He’s 10 years old. I raise him myself, his father’s no longer in his life. And I home-school--

House: Again, with the surprises!!!

Mom: [defensively] He’s reading at a high-school level, and does fantastic on all the state standardization tests. He shows a real aptitude for math and science. At the rate he’s going, he’s likely to go to college at 16, thank you very much.

House: Good for you, I’m sure that little Doogie Howser will have a grand time getting pantsed by the geeks and nerds who didn’t have overbearing ultra-protective moms. [turns to look at Tommy who continues playing his game and bobbing his head to the music, oblivious]

Mom: [she’s fed up with anger, and starts to pick up her things to leave] This is ridiculous, I refuse to stay here and be subjected to your ins—

House: [loudly] Oh, pu-lease! Does the kid have a medical problem or not! Just cut through the “mommy-has-the-best-boy-in-the-world” bull and tell me why you are here?!?

Mom: [stops; purses her lips; takes a deep breath; blurts out quickly] He’s started to show an interest in girls, and I have no one to go over “adult education” with him!

House: And the surprises just keep coming!

Mom: I thought perhaps if I came here and asked for a male doctor, he would give us some pamphlets, and get the conversation started. [She stops long enough to read the look on House’s face which is pretty much a “no way in hell” look.] Or, maybe you could recommend someone else to do this, or some place we can go—

House: I do have a place to recommend, but I happen to be fresh out of singles.

Mom: I can see this was a bad idea. [reaches for Tommy’s hand and tugs him off the exam room table]

House: Wait. [A look of resignation crosses his face.] I can spare exactly [looks a the clock] six minutes before I have to move on to the next patient. Let me talk to him. [emphatically] Alone.

Mom: Oh, thank you, thank you. [She starts to leave, but she looks back longingly at Tommy, like she’s might as well be sending him off to the lions]

House: GO! The vending machines are down the hall and to the right. And get me a Kit-Kat. [the door closes behind her]

Tommy: [Removes the ear buds, and nods in the direction of the door.] Well done Doctor House. Most people aren’t able to pry her away far enough for her to lose sight of me.

House: [Eyes the kid very suspiciously.] How did you get my name?

Tommy: Just because I had the phones on doesn’t mean the music was playing.

House: So, you listen in on conversations while pretending not to hear anything.

Tommy: Yeah, actually I don’t even turn my MP3 player on for more than half an hour a day. I read that prolonged exposure can be pretty damaging to the nerve endings in the ear. And so far there’s no way to repair the damaged nerves. I figure I’d rather not be deaf by age fifty – or twenty, for that matter.

House: Smart boy, Doogie.

Tommy: I’ve found that the Tommy trick works really well. Acting deaf, dumb, and blind really lets me observe adults in their natural environment. They don’t watch what they say or do, like they would when they are around Tommy-the-ten-year-old.

House: [smiles] Interesting. So, you know why your mom brought you here.

Tommy: Don’t sweat it, Doctor House. I hacked mom’s password on the parental controls on the computer at home a long time ago. When she goes to bed, I surf the ‘net--

House: [interrupting] Well, the internet can be very entertaining, it isn’t always a good source for accurate information. You have to be pretty careful about what you--

Tommy: [interrupting] As I’m sure you can guess, Mom hasn’t had many partners in her life. I mean, I know us kids are supposed to think that we got here by stork and all that, but in her case, I really think she’s living up to the name Mary. In my ten years, I’ve never once gotten the impression she wanted to get horizontal with a guy, and she’s so interested in keeping me on a tight leash, I don’t think she’s got enough time to hide anything from me. She’s also always been super-vague about my father, so I’ve long suspected that I’m probably the result of an AI from a sperm bank.

[House’s face says that the kid’s making a pretty good argument.]

Tommy: I’m willing to bet I’ve got a better grip on the whole sex education thing than she does. I may not have actual experience, but I’m pretty sure I know enough to get by.

House: [looks at the clock] Well, our six minutes are almost up. I hadn’t really intended to cover any of this, but I’m curious now to see what you think you know. Let’s get to the important stuff--

Tommy: [interrupting] Listen, we both know you’ve got better things to do than tell me about stuff I already know. Self-gratification with ample lubrication, check. Condoms, check. Sufficient knowledge of pill, implant, and IUD, check. Smart enough to avoid an STD, check. I’m also familiar with symptoms and common treatments for most major STD’s and a few of the rare ones. I’m planning on med school, and getting ready early. I can name all 206 bones in the adult human body, and I’m working on learning the areas of the brain next. Got any other words of wisdom you feel the need to impart?

House: You sneezed without covering your mouth.

Tommy: Yeah, sorry about that. It wasn’t actually a sneeze, I was seeing if you were paying any attention to me while you talked to her.

House: [fairly impressed] I don’t suppose you’ve got a resume already do you?

Tommy: Gimme your email address, and I’ll send you my curriculum vitae.

[scene ends]