Some Really Bad Jokes

By Anne O’Day

From time to time I try my hand at some joke writing.  As embarrassing as it is to admit this, all of these are originals.  They roughly in the order in which I made them up, and a couple are somewhat outdated.

Question:   How can you tell which horse belongs to Prince when he’s about to ride in a parade? 

Answer:  It’s the one with the purple reins.  

Question:   How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer:  None, they’re already enlightened.

Question:   How many managers does it take to screw up a lightbulb?

Answer:  It depends on the company. 

• In a multi-billion dollar corporation, it takes five.  One who determines whether the light bulb fits into the business model, one who brings outside experience to the table, one who determines the critical path, and two functional members responsible for all actionable items
• In a publicly held million-dollar corporation, it takes four.  One who determines the deliverable, one who sets the milestones, one who assigns a timetable, and one properly incentivized for the task at hand.
• In a mid-sized business, it takes three.  Two to screw, and one to coach them on their core competencies. 
• In a partnership, it takes two.  One to assess what needs to be changed, and the other to screw it up. 
• In a freelance consultant business, it takes only one.  The best managers-for-hire can screw up anything. 
• And no matter what the size of the company, all managers would say it takes none.  Screwing up something they delegate to their direct reports.

Question:  Did you hear that Brittany Spears turned down a $5 million contract with Victoria’s Secret? 

Answer:  Well, it seemed like she was all set to sign on the dotted line, but when she found out that she’d have to wear underwear, she turned them down.

Question:   Did you hear about the dog with two peg legs who became a social outcast?

Answer:  Apparently all the other dogs couldn't put up with his faux paws.

Question:   What did the avid golfer do on Cyber Monday?

Answer:  He spent all day “hitting the links.”

Question:   Cyrano De Bergerac was famous for his very large nose.  What do you suppose he said when he was asked to play the part of Hamlet? 

Answer:  Methinksnot.  

Question:   What did the light switch say to the quart sized paint can?

Answer:  "Are you feeling all right?  You look a little pail."

Question:   What did the wall say to the light switch?

Answer:  "Are you feeling all right?  Your color looks a little off."

Question:   What did the paint can say to the wall?

Answer:  “Wow, it’s getting chilly in here.  Here, let me give you a coat.”